Remove the maze of misunderstandings and communicate your love clearly
Last week I attended a workshop called “Hacking Your Relationships” at my university, and they reminded me again of the principle of love languages.
I heard about them 2 years ago for the first time, and I immediately talked with my boyfriend about them.
It felt like a small fact that I wanted to share, and we talked about it and then I forgot it again.
Now in retrospect, I realize that talking about our love languages saved us a lot of fights and misunderstandings.
“Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English”
— Gary Chapman
The 5 Love Languages
I’ll shortly explain to you the love languages if you never heard about them.
The 5 love languages are:
- Words of Affirmations
- Acts of service
- Gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch (intimacy)
Every person has their own way of “feeling loved”.
I feel loved if I have quality time with my boyfriend and cuddle. Gifts or words are not as important to me. My boyfriend feels loved through acts of service, and also quality time.
These love languages show that every person is different. You cannot assume from your preferences what the other person likes.
I think a lot of relationships break or suffer because the couple doesn’t know their love language.
One example that they gave in the workshop is:
You have a friend who comes late, but then brings a gift. Every time.
You are annoyed because you don’t want to wait and your love language is spending quality time together.
Your friend on the other hand is okay with being late, but takes time before to find a present for you. It’s their love language.
Do you see the misunderstandings that are happening?
If the wife wants her partner to help at home with the house and the kids, but all he does is bring home flowers and compliment her, then those two speak different love languages.
Can you imagine the fights they are having?
Communication and Understanding
I always say communication is the most important thing. In relationships. At work. With everyone.
There are so many misunderstandings happening because of communication issues.
If a couple talks about their problems, worries, and needs, then the other person doesn’t need to guess or isn’t assuming based on their experiences.
My boyfriend is sometimes annoyed by me wanting to talk about everything. But I think understanding the other person: their feelings, experiences, and intentions, is important for a successful relationship.
Talking about our love languages helped us to understand each other. We know what the other person needs to feel loved.
To show him my love I make a big breakfast on the weekends, and we spend time eating together.
He shows me love by spending time with me, holding my hand, kissing, and cuddling while watching TV.
“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.”
— Nat Turner
You and your partner don’t have to speak the same love language. But knowing that if they give you a gift, you don’t have to feel obligated to give one back. Instead, give them something back in their love language.
It’s not just saving you money buying useless stuff but it’s also improving your relationship.
Your partner feels understood if you give love based on their love language.
Do you also struggle to find presents for your grandparents? They always say that “they don’t need anything”. Believe them!
Instead:
- Spend quality time with them
- Give them a hug
- Listen to their stories
- Help them prepare the food for Christmas
- Tell them you love them
They don’t need some actual present.
Giving Love
You can apply the love languages to any relationships you have (not just romantically).
Giving love is a precious gift.
But as you now know it has different meanings for everyone.
As Christmas is around the corner I’m thinking about the gifts I’m giving to my family and friends. And I prefer spending quality time with them, instead of expensive gifts.
My best friend and I usually just go to the cinema together as a gift.
This means more to me than any gift she finds.
This means re-thinking your previous gifts, and maybe asking what kind of love language your friends are speaking.
If you know it, you can give even more love to them.
And isn’t that the purpose of giving love?
“It’s not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving”
— Mother Teresa
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